Throughout the pregnancy Paul and I heard more times that we could count that our lives were going to change forever, and boy have they! Here is the part when I feel like I should say, "but I wouldn't trade it for anything", but that's not entirely true all the time. Do I wish I never had my precious children? GOODNESS NO! But it's days like this that I miss my freedom to do what I want when I want.
Life with twins isn't easy, pretty much all my waking moments involve doing something either directly or indirectly related to caring for my children. It's the same for Paul when he walks in the door from work, but that's the thing. He gets to leave and be outside of the house AND with people that can talk back to you! I'm not in any way trying to say Paul has it easy. He works hard in the hot sun, walking nonstop and carrying either a back pack weighing 40 pound or pushing something that weighs as much or more. Then he has to come home to us! I definitely don't want to trade places. I am blessed beyond measure to have the privilege to be home with my children and witness first hand every milestone they reach. THAT I wouldn't trade! By default, however, the twins and I come as a package.
Once upon a time, Paul and I could come and go as we pleased doing this or that. Now, Paul goes and does those things we would have done together while I am stuck at home due to the twins napping schedule. Depending on what it is I will meet up with him later, but getting myself and 8 month old twins packed up by myself for more than a couple hours is not fun and definitely not easy. It's not just that though, it's that I want to go be with adults too! To a degree, Paul has a whole lot more freedom than I do. In fact, the twins, especially Allie, are so difficult at night Paul asked that I not leave him with the responsibility of feeding them and putting them to bed on the weeknights! There goes that freedom!
So sometimes I feel trapped. Sometimes I miss the days when I could do what I want to do on my schedule. And if feeling trapped wasn't enough, I feel misunderstood, and I don't even know how to communicate my feelings without coming across as extremely selfish. Maybe because that's what it is, but that is not my intention. I just want to be a part of everything again. I love my life, but some parts are lonely. Even though I have a sneaky suspension I'm not the only one that feels this way.
I'll close with this cheesy old Sting song came to mind as I wrote:
Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair
I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle [x2]
A year has passed since I wrote my note
But I should have known this right from the start
Only hope can keep me together
Love can mend your life
But love can break your heart
I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my [x3]
Message in a bottle [x2]
Walked out this morning
Don't believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles
Washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone at being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home
I'll send an SOS to the world
I'll send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my [x3]
Message in a bottle [x2]
Sending out an SOS
Hi, my name is Tambrey. I'm "friends" with the FB group, Memphis Area Moms of Multiples, and I just saw your post about wanting to sell your left-over birthday stuff. So, I thought I'd just hop on over to your blog and check it out. More out of just being nosy, my twin girls are only 4 months old so we aren't in the need of birthday stuff just yet (although, it's already been in my mind and we're doing a princess & pony birthday theme, I think).
ReplyDeleteThen I read this post and this is SO exactly me!!! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone at all. My husband and I have 7 children. We have 5 boys and then our 4-month old twin girls. I home-school my 14yr old, my 9 and 8 yr old go to school and I'm home with my 3yr, 1yr and the twins. And, like you, I feel like I'm "stuck" here while my husband gets to have all the "fun". I know he has a really hard job (he's a horseshoer) and that he's out in the hot sun with sweaty horses all over him.... BUT, he also gets to GET OUT... BY HIMSELF... and talk to adults and go out with friends for lunch. I have a hard time not being jealous and resentful. It is definitely hard to have twins, much less other small kids. But, I try my hardest to just remember that they will only be this little once and I will SO miss it when they are grown. I only have to look at my 14yr old to remind me. If it wasn't for pictures, I wouldn't even remember what it was like for him to be a baby. I know these next couple years are going to fly by and I'll wish I was stuck back at home. Sitting in my pj's all day. My hair on top of my head. No make-up. And my teeth not brushed until my husband calls to tell me he's on his way home!
Just know that you're not alone. And that God only gives twins to "special" mommies.
{HUGS} Tambrey