Message in a Bottle: SOS

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my children. They have taught me so much about God's love. Through them I've learned I can do a lot more on less sleep than I thought, that you can be selfless and selfish all in the same day, and probably things I haven't even realized. But being a mom is hard work!

Throughout the pregnancy Paul and I heard more times that we could count that our lives were going to change forever, and boy have they! Here is the part when I feel like I should say, "but I wouldn't trade it for anything", but that's not entirely true all the time. Do I wish I never had my precious children? GOODNESS NO! But it's days like this that I miss my freedom to do what I want when I want.

Life with twins isn't easy, pretty much all my waking moments involve doing something either directly or indirectly related to caring for my children. It's the same for Paul when he walks in the door from work, but that's the thing. He gets to leave and be outside of the house AND with people that can talk back to you! I'm not in any way trying to say Paul has it easy. He works hard in the hot sun, walking nonstop and carrying either a back pack weighing 40 pound or pushing something that weighs as much or more. Then he has to come home to us! I definitely don't want to trade places. I am blessed beyond measure to have the privilege to be home with my children and witness first hand every milestone they reach. THAT I wouldn't trade! By default, however, the twins and I come as a package.

Once upon a time, Paul and I could come and go as we pleased doing this or that. Now, Paul goes and does those things we would have done together while I am stuck at home due to the twins napping schedule. Depending on what it is I will meet up with him later, but getting myself and 8 month old twins packed up by myself for more than a couple hours is not fun and definitely not easy. It's not just that though, it's that I want to go be with adults too! To a degree, Paul has a whole lot more freedom than I do. In fact, the twins, especially Allie, are so difficult at night Paul asked that I not leave him with the responsibility of feeding them and putting them to bed on the weeknights! There goes that freedom!

So sometimes I feel trapped. Sometimes I miss the days when I could do what I want to do on my schedule. And if feeling trapped wasn't enough, I feel misunderstood, and I don't even know how to communicate my feelings without coming across as extremely selfish. Maybe because that's what it is, but that is not my intention. I just want to be a part of everything again. I love my life, but some parts are lonely. Even though I have a sneaky suspension I'm not the only one that feels this way.

I'll close with this cheesy old Sting song came to mind as I wrote:
  Just a castaway
   An island lost at sea
   Another lonely day

With no one here but me

More loneliness

Than any man could bear

Rescue me before I fall into despair

I'll send an SOS to the world

I'll send an SOS to the world

I hope that someone gets my

Message in a bottle [x2]

A year has passed since I wrote my note

But I should have known this right from the start

Only hope can keep me together

Love can mend your life

But love can break your heart

I'll send an SOS to the world

I'll send an SOS to the world

I hope that someone gets my [x3]

Message in a bottle [x2]

Walked out this morning

Don't believe what I saw

A hundred billion bottles

Washed up on the shore

Seems I'm not alone at being alone

A hundred billion castaways

Looking for a home

I'll send an SOS to the world

I'll send an SOS to the world

I hope that someone gets my [x3]

Message in a bottle [x2]

Sending out an SOS

Sympathizing with a Cow

I began exclusively pumping for my now nearly 8 month old twins when they were just 1 week old for a myriad of reasons. (I'm sure the title of this post makes a lot more sense now.) I was told I wouldn't be able to maintain a supply, and that it was extremely hard. Now, that second part is very true. But that first reason, at least in my case was far from the truth. In fact, one day I pumped a total of 102 ounces! You can probably imagine that building my supply became somewhat addictive, but I'm over it now and it won't go away! 

I was also told it wasn't worth my time. I heard this recently: "Oh that's a shame! They're not getting the good stuff." Seriously?! It's not like pumping was my plan all along, and if it wasn't the good stuff mothers wouldn't sacrifice so much to do it. So, you're wrong lady, they are getting the good stuff! (And yes, I know it's not the best way to get my milk...) That same woman made reference to the bonding we've missed out on, but I have a wonderful relationship with each of my precious children despite the bottle between us. 

After my 4th case of mastitis I decided to throw in the burp cloth. 

As I sit here completely engorged wondering how long it will take to get my little, but surely sagging "girls" back I reflect on this experience and put into perspective just how much I asked of myself and my body these last 8 months.

Approximate time spend pumping: 700 hours

Approximate ounces pumped: 18,400

Approximate calories burned: 345,500

All of this only leaving me with a freezer stash of just over 6,500 ounces. Hoping and praying that will last my sweet babies until they are one year old.

I praise God that my cup (or bottles) runneth over! I thank Him for giving me the ability and strength to be able to do this for them (not just for our health, but to save a lot of money). But happy mother's day to me (and birthday) that I'm not doing it anymore!

So, diary cow, I salute you! I feel for you! I appreciate you! Not that you have a choice, but thanks for all you do!