In my life I've often looked around at God's creation and thought to myself: "God is amazing!" I've recently been experiencing God's creation in a new way through my pregnancy. And after seeing double on the ultrasound I am even more amazed at how God chose to bring humans into the world. I'm no scientist, but when I think that two human lives are growing and developing daily inside me from what seems like practically nothing I am just in awe (though, sometimes the silly, immature side of me thinks it's just freaky to have something growing inside you). I have a new appreciation for God's creation, and for Psalm 139:13-16
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day. (MSG)
I cannot truly describe how amazed I am and how amazed I feel. I know I feel honored and privileged that God has given Paul and I this gift. I know of people who long to experience pregnancy and parenthood, but can't, so of course I feel blessed. Before we even began trying to get pregnant I had fears that something would be wrong with me. I've actually had these fears for a long time, but it was more real when we actually wanted to have children. I had this messed up view of God and how He works that didn't account for His grace. I felt that God would punish me for being ashamed and embarrassed of my family by not allowing me to ever have one of my own.
Here is a tiny bit of background of that messed up view and resulting fear:
If there had been reality TV when I was growing up, we would be the Duggars! Granted, they have 10+ more children than my Mom and Dad had, we were/are still weird. Add to that we were home schooled, and that made/makes us freaks. We knew some big families, but for the most part I felt that we were misfits in our extended families and in society as a whole. I often wished that I was not in my family (most of these thoughts occurred during my self-absorbed teenage years). Still, most of my life I've tried not to look like a stereotypical home schooler, and I think for the most part I've has success in looking "normal" (I base this only on the fact that most every time some one is shocked that I was one of nine children and home schooled). I never said that didn't want to have children (though, I did say that I didn't want to marry a minister like my Mom had, but as you probably know I am now married to one).
Considering my fears and their foundation, I feel double blessed (pun intended) that we're pregnant with twins! I wonder what God is trying to show me? To trust Him? That He has a sense of humor? That He is full of Grace? Maybe all of this and more, but I know that my relationship with Him is changing for the better because of what He is doing inside of me (literally and spiritually) and I want to continue to trust in Him, no matter what, because He knows what I need, and I am learning ever so slowly, to wait on Him and the best He has for me.
